Let Me Love You a Little More

I feel like I get wrapped up in going going going or preparing for what’s next that I forget to just stop and enjoy the moment. I breeze past all the little things that seem unimportant in the moment and realize that looking back I wish I could just go back and savor those seemingly unimportant little moments. Especially now that we have Lilah and are doing this whole baby thing over, there are so many things I wish I could go back and do over with Ryland. Like the cuddles. Everyone told me “Lay him down for naps and throughout the day or he’ll get too attached”, so I did. I made sure he had an ample amount of time out of my arms. And now I wish I could just have little 8 pound Ryland curled up on my chest again and that I’d cuddled him a little longer. Spoiled him a little more. Just savored those quick, fleeting, moments in his life. Now I look at him and I wonder where my baby went. Do people always feel this way? Am I going to be looking at him in middle school , highschool, or even him being married and wonder where my sweet little baby went? It’s already so hard for me to believe that he’ll be 3 in October, so I’m trying to hold on to the little moments. Like laying in bed with him at night before he falls asleep. Something that can frustrate me some nights because I want nothing more than to just shower and crawl into my own bed, but that time with him seriously means to world to me. It’s those moments in his dark room, listening to him whisper about his day that I love. Lilah is with my husband and I can just focus on him, no distractions. I get the chance to really hang on every word he says. To make him feel important and like he’s the only one I’m listening to. Which doesn’t happen very often anymore with my attention being pulled in more than one direction. I promised myself I’d hold onto those moments a little harder.
And Lilah. It feels like yesterday we were being told that we were having a baby that day and to call whoever we needed. I remember feeling so anxious. About being a mom to two. Whether I could truly love her as much as I love Ryland. And then she was here. All 8lbs of perfection and my heart grew. Holding her for the first time. My emotions. Those tiny baby cries. Her little hands clinging to my chest. I miss that. I miss that first night bringing her home and feeling like all was right with the world. Both my babies under one roof. Then the weeks flew by and somehow we were already celebrating her being here with us for a whole month. In those four weeks so much with her changed. She grew entirely too much. Time is going by so much faster with her than it did with Ryland. I blame it on two keeping us so busy now. But It was like I blinked and she was already four months old. Now she’s almost sitting up, talking to us all the time, trying to do everything she can to be mobile, and sassy as ever. She’s still this tiny little love bug and I’m still missing all the little things she used to do. The ones that I feel got brushed over because we were so caught up with two. But here I am, writing this while soaking up the cuddles that seemed to disappear so fast with Ryland. Trying to just savor her being this little and needing my touch so much.
It’s times like last night, sitting outside Lilah on my lap, Ryland playing with the two dogs, that I am so thankful for where we’re at in life. Ryland is laughing so hard he can barely walk straight and yelling about how he just jumped so high and ran so fast. Lilah is watching it all, throwing her arms up and herself backwards into me everytime she gets excited. Cameron is tinkering in the yard and playing with Ryland. His eyes lighting up at the sight of Ryland being so full of glee. That’s what puts me on cloud nine. Being with my family. Seeing them so happy. Watching Ryland learn, explore, laugh and play. Watching smiles spread across Lilah’s face when she sees her brother laugh. That’s what a good life is made of. These small “unimportant” moments. I spend so much time trying to plan fun things for the family and events outside of our house that I forget to just stop. To stop and take in the happiness that is right in our backyard. Ryland doesn’t need a day full of things outside of the house. He just needs us. Paying attention to him. Playing with him and laughing with him. He just needs us.
I know writing a blog post about it isn’t going to make me a million times better on the whole being in the moment idea but I’m promising myself to do better. To take those moments with my family and savor them. Because those are going to the the moments I miss one day and wish I could relive just one more time.

Until next time, Alyssia.

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